Coming out...Again - 3

Where do I even begin with this one?

Starting at the beginning would be smart.

On Thursday, March 16th 1995, Vittoria Angela Gibson, (yes, me) was born. The world was preparing me for what I would do most in my life; cry. Born and raised in Welland, Ontario, Canada, the world seemed so big to this small infant. So much to see, so much to learn and so little time to do so. What I didn't expect was to learn and grow constantly throughout my life (I know, shocker, right?) I grew and learned so many wonderful and awful facts about the world, along with the biology of our bodies. Everyone giggled at the photos of the naked people but it was good knowledge to be had at such a young age. As I continued to grow, things started changing about my body at an oddly fast rate. At age 10, I got my period for the first time. Pretty young if you ask me but it's what started my maturing stages. But the one thing that never came along with all of this growing was my sexual attraction. I just kept thinking to myself, any day now I'll start feeling those sexual urges everyone I know talks about. Any day now, I'll be wanting to bang someone. Any day now. But that day never came and I never knew or understood why.

Growing up, I had various crushes. I just thought people were neat and getting to know them made me feel things I never thought possible. Looking at them made me melt and my heart would pound faster just at the sight of them but never in a sexual way. I just really enjoyed their company and wished to get to know them more and more as I grew. Of course, high school eventually came and went and I never really dated. Hell, I never had that high school sweetheart or that one crush that got away. I just was. I was living and dealing with high school like any other teen. My friends were all spicy and being sneaky, going on dating apps when they shouldn't have been or watching porn. Yet, here I was just looking at cool pins and stickers on websites or going to the mall and being obsessed with scarves, Whenever I would get struck with a sex scene or put in a situation where my friends would show me things we shouldn't have been looking at in the first place, I cringed. Hell, I felt sick to my stomach. Sex scenes and sex in general made me want to throw up. I was repulsed by the idea of sex. Of course, my brain thought, maybe I just haven't found the right person, or maybe I'm a lesbian.

This quickly tumbled throughout high school as I tried to explore my sexuality a bit more and even started seeking advice from friends. I easily felt more at home in the LGBT+ community within my very Catholic school. In those years, we were just getting Bills passed in Canada where Catholic schools HAD to allow students who wanted to create LGBT+ groups. This was my first real taste of what being gay was or who lesbians were. Deep down, I knew at the time that I was somewhere in there. Somewhere in the LGBT+ area but I couldn't quite pin what that was yet.

As high school ended, I didn't really think about sexuality much and just kind of floated off into my own world. I was supportive of all my friends and fellow students who were a part of the LGBT+ community and wanted nothing more than for people to be happy. Yet, here I was, unhappy with my life. I didn't give myself much time as I was already off to college and it was about to take my whole world and flip that shit upside down. I knew going to college would change me but I didn't realize how much. It was both a culture shock and a people shock. There were so many kinds of people and my heart was running wild. I wanted nothing more than to learn about people and to see where I fit in with everyone. 

My first year, I immediately fell for this one guy. He was sweet, hilarious, a leader in my residence and just overall really kind. I would hang with him whenever I could and things moved VERY quickly. He caught on quickly that I liked him and one night invited me to his dorm room. We were watching a movie, which was all I had planned on happening but next thing I knew, he had his tongue down my throat and I was sitting there like, "Should I be feeling things? This is what people do right? But how should I be feeling? Am I even kissing right? Oh God, why am I thinking all of this while making out with someone? I should just enjoy it....WHAT THE FUCK DOES ENJOYING IT FEEL LIKE?!" Well, we made out but I just felt lost. I was trembling and he wanted more very fast. My immediate response was, "Well, I need to leave but I'd love to hang again." And the moment I left and got into my dorm room, I vomited. My roommate was so concerned but I explained the situation and they told me it must have just been I wasn't ready. So what did I do? I continued to see this man and he continued to push and each time, I would almost throw up. This started making me go crazy. What was I doing wrong? How can I fix this and just have sex for fuck sakes? But the sexual responses and attraction never came. I felt repulsed and couldn't continue with them.

That night, I did some digging. I took to google and asked for my saviour in a google search. What I discovered was a fucking blessing. It wasn't the right answer at the time, but it was an answer nonetheless. Demisexual came to me on a post and it blew my mind. I had never heard of Demisexual before, let alone that the LGBT+ was never ending and constantly growing. For those that need a little help and to briefly summarize in my own words, Demisexual is the lack of sexual attraction, that is until you build a strong connection with someone. That was my winning ticket at the time and I fucking took it and ran. I explained to the person I had passed on and even explored that with my roommate. Alas, I didn't get much time to digest anything because school was taking charge and consumed my every waking minute. As the second year rolled around, I had met so many wonderful people, I had grown and happily led myself to learn more about what the LGBT+ community was and what else was out there.

One night, I ended up seeing a friends post that a group was holding auditions for a parody musical and I was itching to do theatre again, so I applied and to my surprise, I got in as one of the leads! This led to even more exploration of my sexuality. One night, a group of us just happened to be talking about gender and identity and it fell on the subject of how we felt sexually. My buddy spoke about this new word I had never heard of before. Asexuality. They explained bits of what they believed it to be and then it fell onto me to explain how I felt about my sexuality. Our one friend hilariously smiled and said, "If I'm being honest, I'd switch the two of you. You would be Demi and Vittoria, you would be Ace. That night, it dawned on me. Holy shit. I'm Asexual. Not only did I not feel the sexual attraction everyone was so highly talkative about, but I just had no interest in sex. Period. I held onto that and still hold onto that conversation. During this play and during that year of college, I finally just let it flow and told people I was Asexual. But there were still parts of me itching to be seen. I was still unsure what kinds of people I enjoyed or if I would be in the dating scene again after that one experience. Once again, I didn't get much time to explore because school consumed everything. 

My last year finally arrived and I was working on another play where I finally realized, hell, I enjoy people. I really fucking enjoy people. I just don't enjoy fucking people. I did some research and found the word Polyromantic. At first, I thought that's it. That's my romantic attraction. Polyromantic meant I liked multiple but not all genders. My buddy chalked it up to me being Bi but that didn't feel right either. I even went out of my way and finally came out to someone in my family, my sister. We had grown so close throughout the years that I felt she would accept me no matter what and thankfully, she was so happy and excited for me to be exploring and finding out my true self. Of course, I had explaining to do to her but all easily digestible. The hardest part was explaining and coming out to my parents. I was working in Toronto but still living halfway (I was living with my buddy and living at home at the same time). One night while I was home, I texted my sister across the couch from me and told her I was going to come out to the parents, but for some reason, I just couldn't muster the courage to do it in person. I waited until I was back at my buddy's place one night and said fuck it. I turned my computer on, Facetimed my mom and dad, got them together and said, "Mom? Dad? I'm Asexual and Polyromantic." Hilariously, my dad smiled but my mom, she didn't even flinch. She said, "Yeah okay, that's nice. But when are you coming home?" I couldn't have asked for a better reaction honestly. I laughed, cried and felt the trembling disappear as I had finally, after all these years, thought I had figured it all out.

Truth be told, I should have realized as I was explaining it to my parents what Polyromantic was, that I cringed at some of the definitions and realized, no, I'm in fact Panromantic. It took me a few more months but I finally came out to my parents...again. Still, something wasn't right though. I figured out I was Asexual. Okay, so little to no sexual attraction. Got it. I realized I was Panromantic. I loved all people, regardless of gender. Okay perfect. But what else could possibly be missing?

As college finished, I got job after job and I started to get more familiarized with people identifying as non-binary. (I bet you can see where this is going...) Two of my coworkers identified as non-binary. I was pleasantly surprised and loved that gender was so...vast. The little voice in my head was enjoying the non-binary expression a lot, in fact, by my next job, I was identifying on my resume and online LinkedIn as She/They. Gender. How could I have possibly forgot that gender was also a thing that was a part of the puzzle I had been figuring out my whole life?! Here I was scrambling to feel comfortable in my own damn skin that I had forgotten about gender identity. At last, we had fallen into place. Or so I thought.

People started realizing on LinkedIn and even while I was at work, I had asked my coworkers to use They/Them for me because it just felt more appropriate at work. What I didn't realize was what I actually felt. Hearing people use they/them for me just felt comfortable. It felt so nice and welcoming to me. After I left that toxic place, I continued to use and still use They/Them in the workplace. Others outside of work still continued to use She/Her but I slowly started opening my shell a little more. I finally realized that gender was in fact different for me. My buddy expressed themselves and told a group of us that they were genderflux. God, I still had so much more to learn. They explained it in a way where they didn't really feel the gender they were born, and in fact felt more feminine. However, they still happily used He, They, and She pronouns. Which blew my uncultured brain! From there, I asked myself deep down, how do you truly feel with your gender? That's when I started to realize, fuck, I'm all over the place with gender.

At last, I've come to realize the truth. And I hope for the last time, this is me coming out once again. For the third time. Hello. My names Vittoria. I'm Asexual, Panromantic and god damn Gender Fluid, with a varying gender identity. Whenever I'm around people, I just feel more comfortable using they/them pronouns. However, that can change from day to day. Sometimes I feel more feminine and will allow people to use she/her. But for the most part, yeah, I just like using they/them. Is that so hard? Yes, I'm Asexual, Panromantic, Gender Fluid with a leaning closer to the non-binary area.

That's it. That's all. I hope to God this is the last time I'll be coming out to you all but who knows! The world works in weird, wonderful and mysterious ways. For now, that's just who I am. This is me and I'm as happy as can be!

Thank you for reading my rambles if you did and I hope you take away that I like being called They/Them. Also, I hope maybe this inspires someone or allows people to learn new things. ALSO ALSO, I stuck with just using LGBT+ because it's easier to write but I usually do include the 2SLGBTQIA+ as the full sort of letters used. Yes. That's all. Bless you and have a great day!