employed - 7

One mistake led to a lot of misery.

For those that don't follow me or aren't close to me, a few months back, I lost my job. I won't get into details because it's been haunting me these past few months and I would like to move past it. Writing tends to be a helping hand in these matters so I'm going to break down what it was like losing my job and the motions I went through each month.

April or Month 1 without a job: I know this is going to sound rich coming from me, but you know that part in Twilight New Moon where she's sitting at the window for months just sad and having nightmares every night? Yeah? Well, that was me during April or month 1. Endless sobbing, mental break downs, built up guilt and forever blaming myself for the mistakes I made. I felt so broken, like a failure and completely heartbroken. What was wrong with me? How could I let myself fuck up so badly? How did I let this happen? Being in the industry for a few years, I never thought something like this could happen. Poor Ethan, my partner, had to take care of me in various ways. Whether it was allowing me to cry in his arms or in bed, letting me vent and just have mental break down after break down in front of him. Not to mention the conversations with my family and other friends around finding another job and just getting myself secure for the future. It was all a mess and falling apart in front of me. I'm so thankful for my family, friends and therapist's support. I was able to claim unemployment and my family took out a loan to be able to continue to pay my rent. That's a whole mess of it's own but we survived this month and onto the next.

May or Month 2 without a job: Looking for a job became a full time job. Bless my therapist for allowing me to have a free session because of my lack of work, but they helped push me in the right directions. I was connected with Friends of Ruby and from there they connected me with Ontario Works, or through TNG to be more specific. From there, I was partnered up with someone who helped me revamp my resume and then helped me look for work. Unfortunately things kind of fell through but that didn't stop me from looking. I was up every morning, making coffee and eating, taking my pills along side the food. From there, I was logged into my computer and off to the races on LinkedIn and Indeed. I connected with old coworkers, got references in order and just started as best as I could to keep on my feet. Obviously, that didn't stop the nightmares or the random breakdowns I would have, blaming everything that had happened on myself. Of course, my partner was there holding my hand and allowing me to just be alive. Though, I did have moments where I thought of suicide, and thought it'd be better off if I were just dead, but thankfully he helped me wave those feelings away. Thankfully, I was able to overcome and kept moving forward as best as I could. As some people say, two steps forward, one step back. And so on.

June or Month 3 without a job: Rejections started flooding in. My courage and efforts had started to fluctuate on a day to day basis because the rejection letters just wouldn't stop. The first rejection I got, I secretly cried in the bedroom because I couldn't handle the shame I felt and didn't want my partner to feel bad. I should probably mention, during all of this, the moment I lost my job, my partner began looking himself. Every day I was on the computer looking, he was right there with me, applying to every job he could and even going as far as taking courses and getting himself certified in certain areas. Bless his soul so much. I really, really, REALLY couldn't have done this all without him. I love you so much if you are reading this. I hope he knows that. I hope he knows that the amount of support, love and care he put into me each day, I tried to return back but it was difficult all things considered. But to quote one of my favourite bands here, we just "Push on through" and kept going day by day. I think one of the biggest hurdles here was managing our money. Going off of my unemployment was rough and not to mention my parents were giving me money to help pay rent. It was rough and I still feel an insane amount of guilt for putting them through that. But I cannot thank them enough for everything they did and for keeping me in line and keeping my goals in sight. With that, we move into the next month.

July or Month 4 without a job: Things started to come naturally. Yes, I was still getting rejection letters, but it didn't hit as hard as those first few. It still sucked mind you, but the pain didn't linger as long, that's because I was finally FINALLY getting application call backs. I did some interview prep on my own time, just to hype myself up and get myself prepared for any questions they would have. Of course, I kept the part about losing my job out of the conversation because it would look bad to present myself and it would turn some hiring managers or bosses off. I did my interviews and before I knew it, I was getting second or even third call backs. I was so thrilled and things were finally looking up. Ethan and my parents were so proud and my friends kept cheering me on, calling and celebrating those little victories each time they happened. It even got to the point where one job had wanted to inquire about hiring me, however, they told me extremely last minute that they were moving locations all the way out into Vaughn area. I was so bummed because it would've been the perfect job, I would've gotten to create content on a daily basis and get to have fun with the team who I had gotten to know over the month. Unfortunately, the commute would've been over an hour there, possibly even two depending on traffic, so it wasn't in the cards and I needed to continue my grand search for work. But look at that! I had gotten considered so I was finally headed in the right direction. Applications kept spinning on from there and soon good news would land in my lap.

August or Month 5 without a job: Spoilers, but this would be the last month I had to suffer the neverending applications, rejections and interviews. One job had finally gotten my interest and it was another agency but I was curious and kept digging more and more about them until finally I discovered they were hiring for a Social Media Manager. It may not have been exactly what my job title was before, but it was worth a shot and it sounded like everything I had been doing was exactly what they were asking for. And what do you know it, they asked for a first interview. My first inerview was with this lovely woman who just wanted to get to know me more and what I did on a day to day. I did stumble a bit but thankfully they didn't seem to read into my nervousness too much and moved me into the next steps. I met who I would be working with on a day to day basis and bounced between the two of them. It was a really fun conversation and before I knew it, it was finally time for the final interview. I met with one of the big bosses and I was so anxious, I ended up puking the whole day just from my anxiety. Finally, it came down to that moment where he interviewed me. I was shaking, I took a few deep breaths and somehow managed to get through that call. Everyone was holding their breaths and I could feel it. We were down to the last of the money we had in the loan, my unemployment wouldn't be able to hold us up that much longer and Ethan was still not having any luck in the job world, which I don't blame him, it's just around that time the job market was (and still is) garbage. Thankfully, that time sped up and before I knew it, the week was done and I had a job offer in my lap. I jumped for joy, cried and exploded by telling everyone that I had finally done it. I had gotten the job and I was finally, finally going to be able to hold us up again. No more money from the parents (though there were a few times my mom had to send us money because I fucked up our budgeting.) And no more fucking job searches for me.

End of August rolled around and before I knew it, I had started my new job and was already getting told I was working an event. It's been a hell of a time, they are working hard on getting my pronouns right and I see them correcting properly. Yes, some up and downs but I've officially been there 3 and so months now (SOMEHOW made it passed my probation period) so now I'm full time, covered and blessed. (insert me cackling here with laughter.)  It's been a fun time and it's only getting better (thankfully). Thank you all so much for the support, honestly, like David, Brady, Mandy, Tori, Kara, Jas, Jess, ETHAN, Erica, Emma (miss you and your TikToks haha), Julia & Anthony, Chantel, Red, D (Daniela), my family - Lisa, Mom, Dad, THE CATS OMG, Oliver :3, and to many many many MANNNNYYY more of you. THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU. BLESS YOU ALL SO MUCH <3