Admitting I'm a Potato - 2

This is quite the story and a long one at that. Even just thinking about it makes me cringe and fill with sadness. I can feel my chest tightening, my hands are shaking and I'm making my lip bleed by biting onto it so hard. Part of me doesn't want to tell this story but it's one that I've been meaning to get out there and one that needs a lot of explanation.

Let us go back to what feels like an ancient time, 2013-2016. During this time, I was in college and working my butt off to prove to everyone and myself that I could kick ass doing what I love, and that was being in Film and Television. As some of you know, I went to Sheridan College in Oakville and that right there should give you a hint as to where this story is going.

We begin our story on the very first week of college, the introduction week and the week of studying for a safety quiz. We weren't allowed to move forward until we passed this quiz, which validly so, was needed for everyones safety. We got taught about ladders, lights and electricity and about some serious incidents that have happened in the real world when people do not follow safety procedures. All interesting stuff, I know. I met my first few pals in college that very first week. I sat by some strangers who were soon going to be part of my day to day life and boy was I in for a ride. 

To my surprise, we passed the safety quiz and it was time to move onto the real work; Pre-production, production and post. A few close people flocked to me because my stories were apparently good. I'm still shocked anyone even enjoyed what I was writing. It's all so corny and cringy to me now but I was a baby writer and thought I was the bomb dot com. I've gotten better throughout the years but it took a lot of time and structure to get to where I am now.

Back to the main story, a group of us really got along and became a core group but a few were left on the outskirts. You know those people. They never really pay attention in class, they constantly try to butt in during conversations and they just weren't that good at school or filming. We called the ones that weren't good at anything
"potatoes." We avoided these few as best we could but time and time again, we got pulled into doing work with them because they had to go into ONE of the groups and ours was targeted from time to time.

As the year went on, we were successful, had a lot of fun and genuinely were enjoying ourselves. Then came year two. I moved into residence with one of my fellow students and we were having a blast and even scooted into each others friend groups to work together more. As the year went on however, things started to change for the worse.

I'm pretty sure my brain blacked out most of my second year because I was partly an alcoholic, I was in a musical and working various festivals. My brain had no time to relax and I think that's why I have such a hard time remembering most of my second year. Where I'm going with this is where things started to decline. I was falling behind in some work, I was being told my decisions were wrong and my relationships with who I thought were my friends was falling apart.

It all crumbled one day while I was in residence talking to my at the time roommate and "friend." We were discussing things going on in our classes, projects that needed to get done and it somehow led to them telling me I wasn't doing enough and needed to be more on top of stuff and needed to start getting shit together and getting shit done. I couldn't handle hearing that and snapped at them, having a full on breakdown in front of them and crying my eyes out telling them I was doing the best I could. After that moment, they left our residence, staying with one of our mutual "friends," and I was left alone to my brain going 1000 miles an hour.

After that, I started lying to make myself feel better. I lied about relationships, I lied about my abilities and I lied about what I was capable of. I did it all to be seen in a brighter light but I'm pretty sure everyone saw through those lies because things continued to fall apart. Friends started drifting to other groups, my projects were starting to fall short and my grades were starting to dip. I was losing my mind because I didn't want to fall behind yet here we were. The only upside that happened that year was winning one award for Excellence in Television with my at the time roommate and our mutual "friend."

This all leads to the big and final fucking year. Year three. We were to present our final pitches to the class and to my surprise, mine was picked. As I flocked to my "friends," I asked if they wanted to help on my story and to my shock and horror, they all declined. Only the potatoes were coming to me asking to be on my project. I was in shock and refused to work with anyone other than my comfortable circles. I found my brain and body being flung from one end to another and ended up panicking so hard, I cried in front of a group of my teachers and begged them to remove my story as one of the final projects. They were stunned, upset and were even going to reject my request but with how shaken up I was and with how much I was falling apart in front of them all, they decided as a whole to remove my project. In that moment, I was relieved and beyond happy to move forward with what I had but nowadays, I regret that choice. I would've loved to have seen my story become a reality but it just wasn't meant to be. Not then anyways. 

As I fought through to get these projects done and to the best of my ability, I noticed I was being pushed to the side and not really acknowledged by anyone anymore. My lies had caught up to me and my abilities to make successes were falling short. People seemed to be holding my hand when I didn't want that nor did I need their help yet here they were forcing it upon me. Finally, we were done filming and it was onto the internships. Looking back at it now, I picked the wrong fucking choice for my internship and should've just gone with the internship my friend did but I declined it and went with my heart and decided to do my internship at Copperheart. Let me tell you now, I hated every moment. They treated me like trash and used me like the intern I was. Thankfully, I got to read some scripts and give my opinions on things but other than that, I was put on coffee duty and barely had the motivation to go in.

Once all was said and done, I finished my internship and got back to the studio with everyone. Once again, I noticed a pattern where I was being pushed to the side and not really welcomed anymore. I decided, fuck it, I'm not going to bother anymore. I attended the award show, to which I was nominated for two options in one award and I lost. Hurt big time but the person that won deserved it way more than I did. I barely did anything to help the projects out in social. With that, I attended our final big party at the end of the year with everyone, felt the hesitation of those around me and knew right then, right there, I had to admit to myself. I was a potato. I am a potato.

I was in such a low mental state at that point that I didn't even attend my own graduation. I felt no one wanted me there and there really was no point. On top of that, it was being held in Mississauga of all places so I didn't want to put my mother through having to travel to Toronto for a fucking stupid graduation. I just let it come in the mail and did a little photoshoot at home.

There you have it. That's the story I've been wanting to share for a long long time. I'm sorry to all of those people I lied to, I'm sorry to my "friends" who are no longer and I'm sorry to what I remain to be in your eyes; a potato. I wish I could prove to you now that I'm better than I was but I think leaving behind college is a good way to move forward. Hell, there was an event that happened a little bit ago where a group of college people got together and hell, I wasn't even invited. Goes to show who my real friends were from college and that they've moved on but still continue to see me in a darker light.

Where does that take me now? I guess I start by posting this and moving on from there. Thank you for reading if you did and honestly, if you feel you are a potato, don't hold onto that word for too long. Prove to everyone you are just as badass as you feel you are. Put the work in and don't be like me where you lie about shit. Take it easy and know that the universe works in weird and mysterious ways. Who knows what'll come to me in the coming weeks, months or hell, even years. But I plan to do more and I plan to show that I'm worth people's time now. I'm better and I'm ready to take on any challenge that approach me!