32 - 9

I've been debating for a while what to write about and then it hit me.

Literally.

Turning 30 was never something I expected would happen to me. Definitely wasn't in my bingo card. Hell, I didn't think I'd make it past 25, let alone 19. 

30 was really big. Turning 31, even bigger. And Now turning 32, I can officially say (sadly) I'm in my thirties. For me, it sends me into a spiral because that's half of 60 and to be honest, with how my health is, (Nothing serious, I just mean I'm not as active as I should be and dealing with sleep apnea is a never ending battle) I just don't see me making it past 60. If I do, which I'm hoping happens, I'll be thoroughly surprised and thrilled by the notion. 

It sent me into a spiral. I had a pretty big crisis over social the other week because that only leaves me 30 more years. What the fuck have I done with my life? Let alone, what did I do to even show for it?! These questions honestly keep me up at night and kept my brain buzzing throughout the week. I've performed a few times throughout my life, but it's come to a standstill and doing free shows all the time. I haven't even written my own music in years because I just haven't found the right words. Funnily enough, I've written roughly 5 books? All of which are in heavy rewrites and editing phases now, but it would be nice to get published one of these days. But again, that daunting 30 shines through and makes me feel like I'm in a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode at any minute. 

On top of writing, I've also been editing for my boyfriend and even myself to keep my editing skills a bit sharper than they have been. It's been a blast, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm slipping through some ideas I've been wanting to do for a while. Which brings me to my next point. I haven't made a film since college. I've been itching to get out there and just film as much as I can, but it's expensive and timely. It's a hard truth I've had to face for a while now, but I'm still holding onto some video essays that I want to do, given the creative spark returns, as well as making a "30"s video. Which hilariously just like Bo Burnham with his Inside movie, I tried to make it BEFORE I turned 30 and now here we are, writing about my panicky state now that I am in fact in my thirties. Do I still want to make my 30 video? Of course, it's just about when and if I ever have the time. I'll need to record some of my instrumental parts first and then hopefully lead into me making the full video. We shall see where that leads.

Recently, I was diagnosed with ADHD, fun times but not surprised at all, it makes sense why my brain is always buzzing around and why I get stuck in that state of overwhelment but instead of doing anything about it, I just sit there panicking about all the stuff I could be doing and not doing anything at all. Which brings me to my next part of this story I'm sharing. Relaxing. I hate it. It feels like a big waste to me and I think that might have something to do with the ADHD. I feel like if I'm not doing something productive, or more then just relaxing, I've wasted my day or days. A friend did bring up to me that relaxing is not a waste. In fact, it's your bodies way of recovering, recharging and getting back to speed with everything going on. And this includes video games and just vibing with friends. Which I love, don't get me wrong. I'm addicted to video games in a way, and I love catching up with friends, it's just very hard to see that as productive to me. Though I do love that idea, I still struggle with finding that fine balance of relaxing, doing "nothing" and recharging. Again, it should benefit me in the long run, but if I'm not always on the go or doing something meaningful, it just feels like one big waste.

My working life has been a struggle. I won't get into it too much right now, as I'm sure people are sick of hearing about work, but it's been a battle. Trying to balance the extra days in office, staying on top of work and just working with a client that is pretty rough to manage when they are always changing their minds or giving us last minute things to work with. It's maddening at times, but I guess a lot of clients are like that. What kills me is how client approaches things. It's very rough and sometimes comes off very unprofessional and just plain and simply rude. I don't want work to consume my life but unfortunately, it's the capitalist hellscape we live in and we need money to survive so working away I go! Not to mention, I like stuff. Stuff makes me happy. But I need money for stuff. SO BACK TO IT!

Aside from work consuming my every waking hour, I try to do small activities when I have the capacity, which is becoming few far and inbetween nowadays. I try to scrapbook, write, post notes in my sticky note jar every day, play with Oli, listen and jam to music, play video games and watch shows or movies I've been dying to see (Or mainly keeping up with Marvel as best I can), sticker collecting, pin collecting, fun video editing (looking at you Heartstopper) and more! It's really overwhelming at times, but I'm hoping with the ADHD meds, it'll help sort my brain out? I'm sure that's not how it really works, but I hope I can get more motivation to do things and get things done. 

The last thing I wanted to touch on. Friends and family. People tell me all the time that I have made an impact on people in small and big ways. Whether that's someone coming out of the closet or someone finally taking a stab at the book they've had in their heads since high school OR even starting that band up that you've always dreamed of playing in. It touches my heart that I have made that impact on some friends and even family as well. But I struggle with that feeling impactful for me. I feel like it's not enough. I need more and that's a huge problem and kind of problematic. I want to inspire strangers. I want to make an impact on the world. I want what I do to touch someones heart and inspire them or even make them feel a part of my stories in any way, shape or form. I want so much out of this world but the time is ticking away, even as I write this. 

32. It's already making a big impact on me, whether it's my body breaking down or making certain things harder to do, but I still feel like I haven't impacted 30 yet. This little blurb essay from me is just a way of sorting my mind. I guess that's the main reason I started the fucking blog in the first place (Thank you Toni and Ryan). With that all being said, I think I'm going to take a step back and just focus on shit I want to do in the moment and try to be as present as possible, because I'm always thinking about the future without really enjoying what's in front of me right there in that moment. I'm going to "relax" today and maybe do some scrapbooking. Ethans asleep in the other room so I can't be too loud so I hope I'll have time to work on a video this week. I'm writing this on a weekend, no idea if or when I'm going to publish it but for now, I leave you with this.

Life is precious. Life is short. Make the fucking best of it with the time you have and if you can, treat every day like it's the last. Remember to take breaks, no matter how wasteful they may feel, it is productive brain, shut up. And remember to push on through the bad times. As far as we know, we only get one life. So fucking keep going and make that impact, no matter how big or small. You just being here is a big change. So thank you for reading, thank you for taking the time to listen to my rambles and I hope to see you on the flip side where we can celebrate life as we know it.